What do you say to someone who’s depressed? All too often, it’s the wrong thing. Depression is a severe medical condition that affects the way we think, feel, and act. Despite with good intention, we sometimes say things that are unhelpful or may worsen a person’s depression. Here are some suggestions for responding wisely with empathy in response to someone who is battling depression.
Table of Contents
1. Don’t be lazy, you’re wasting your time!
Why not?
Excessive tiredness is a common symptom of depression. “Lazy” implies that the person is having an attitude problem or making it up.
Mindful response: It must be very frustrating feeling tired all the time and unable to do the things you wanted to do…
2. It’s your bad karma (sin) – do more good!
Why not?
This may induce or worsen guilt feeling which is part of depression. It may also trigger thoughts of uselessness which to the person, may come off as “I’m not good enough.”
Mindful response: Bad things sometimes do happen in life and nobody really knows why. Let’s see how we can move on together…
3. Nothing is impossible; think positive and stay strong.
Why not?
Having depression is not a sign of weakness. Many great people in the world had depression.
Mindful response: Do you need a hug? It must be really tough going through all these difficulties.
4. How long more do you want to be depressed?!
Why not?
Being depressed is not a choice. Would you ever tell a person with cancer “How long more do you want to struggle with cancer?!”
Mindful response: Wow! You’ve been struggling for so long. I wonder how you manage to cope all these while…
5. Be grateful. Stop feeling sorry for yourself; many are worse off than you.
Why not?
This may be invalidating or disrespecting the emotional pain of a depressed person. They may also think, “Ya, I’m so useless/ungrateful. People can cope and move on, but I can’t. Terrible me!”
Mindful response: It’s unfortunate that so many bad things had happened to you. Let’s see how we can work on them…
6. Why are you so weak? You think you’re the only one with problems?!
Why not?
Obviously, he/she is not coping well, despite others may be having the same problems and are able to cope. Else, he/she won’t be suffering from depression.
Mindful response: Ya, life sometimes can be terrible. I’m going through some challenges too…
7. Stop pretending to be depressed!
7. Stop pretending to be depressed!Why not?
Nobody chooses or pretends to have cancer. Similarly, depression, as a medical condition, is NOT a choice.
Mindful response: Perhaps you don’t have to try so hard pretending to be happy. Sometimes, it’s OK not to be ok…
To sum it all up…
Try to be a good listener, understanding, empathetic and supportive (e.g. offer tissue paper if someone is crying, give a gentle pat on the shoulder, offer a hug).
For more information, kindly refer to the book, “I’m still Human: Understanding Depression with Kindness” by Dr.Phang Cheng Kar. It is available FREE in 3 languages (English, Chinese & Malay).
Dr Phang Cheng Kar BCs (UPM), MD (UPM), M Med Psych (UKM) is a consultant psychiatrist at Sunway Medical Medical who offers mindfulness-based therapy for depressive and anxiety disorder.
