Where Art Thou?: A Parent’s Perspective

Jasbir Kaur shares how parenting can completely change you, without you even realising it. It is always for the good but some balance is necessary so you won’t wake up one day and find you no longer recognise yourself.

My youngest has just turned three which is about the amount of time I have been out of a proper employment. It does not seem like a long time but much has happened over these years. The first year, the transition year, was all about finding some KPIs and learning to cope with my new found freedom because this job did not come with any proper descriptions or specifications. All anyone ever said to me was, “You can do it”, “ How hard can it be?” or “Ah, you will be enjoying yourself with so much free time”.

Initially, I had a lot of free time on my hands, especially before baby three arrived but being free from deadlines, strict guidelines, structured working environment, traffic jams and office politics turned out to be a problem. I constantly found myself staring at the wall clock which moved at a snail pace, between the hours from 8 am to noon. The house was so quiet, it felt like the walls were whispering to me and to kill it, I began watching a lot of soap operas and making numerous phone calls.

Post baby was a complete different story and everything changed instantly. I had to hit the warp drive button and work at warp speed, like the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek. Life on the fast lane took a sharp turn and once more, I was dealing with a lifestyle change. It was all about fulfilling my KPIs and pleasing my new bosses. Slowly, I started vanishing and blending with the backgrounds of my own home, despite being the captain of this Enterprise.

These years spent at home with my kids had been very rewarding, in their own special way and I would not trade it back for my office suits. However there is this one nagging and persistent, unresolved issue inside of me, almost like a muffled voice trying to break free. It has been screwing up with my system and on occasions making it difficult for me to function properly.

After close observation, I have discovered that this nagging, persistent problem is none other than me. I am the muffled and suffocated voice inside because I no longer know who I am. I had become a mother, a wife and a homemaker but had somehow forgotten all about being me.

A Halt Was Necessary

It is not really a big deal being referred to as a mother or a wife. In fact, ‘a mother of three and a wife’ is how I introduce myself on most of my social media accounts. So why this sudden rambling? I wondered and after much pondering and paying close attention to myself, I knew why.

No one speaks to me much about anything other than what my kids or my husband does. I can’t blame them because I had willingly made my family the centre of my universe but forgot to add myself in that equation. It wasn’t deliberate but happened because I deemed my needs were being met through my family’s happiness. So I kind of, always run out of things to talk about and when the awkward silence creeps in, I would use my wild card and talk about my family.

In the past, when I was a working mother (during day in the office, night at home) I somehow, miraculously managed to take care of my family and my job, without any major disruptions. Although it wasn’t as fulfilling as it is now, life seemed to be in proper balance. There was time for my family and myself. Equal amount of care and nursing was given to all, including me. I even had time to do things for myself and was always challenging myself to be a better me.

It is not exactly the same for life after full-time motherhood. I stopped challenging myself and narrowed my life’s perspectives to family matters. It didn’t take long before my relationship with my working friends fizzled and I stopped making new friends. One by one, everyone around me stopped noticing me, inviting me and engaging in a conversation with me. I was becoming part of the props, just there because they did not know where else to put me or were too kind to tell me to bugger off.

I was slowly disappearing and it mattered a lot to me. I was slowly becoming this lone ranger and I did not want my children noticing it. I did not want to end up like the moms I’ve seen in some drama series, whose whole lives revolve around the one phone call from her teenage/adult daughter.

Me, Myself and I

Being a-stay-at-home mom means I have the flexibility to set my own standard operating procedures and divide my time the way I deem it fit. A fraction (OK probably one tenth of a fraction) of my time was dedicated to self care and self development, but it wasn’t enough. Had it been enough, you would not hear me rambling about it here. No one else is to be blamed but the management and I am the management, so it is back to the drawing board.

It wasn’t enough because I was sharing my every waking, sleeping and working out moment with my children. The ‘me-time’ that I had allocated for me did not cut it. The brilliant exercise regime with my children also had lost its appeal and I stopped exercising regularly for many months. This had further resulted in a downward spiral in my mood because I felt fat, cranky and miserable, all the time.

The only way I could get rid of this weird feeling inside was by finding time to reconnect with myself. I don’t think I can carry on jogging in the park with my children who keep interrupting and slowing me down because that’s not me being 100% with myself or believe going grocery shopping alone is me spending time with me.

Reconnecting Time

Based on some articles (thanks Dr. Google), I should strive to have a few hours a week, alone-in mind and body, either at home or away. Perhaps read a book, go for a facial, pedicure or manicure, go for a jog or join a fitness club, have coffee, go window shopping, visit a friend that doesn’t involve children or just stay home alone but don’t try to catch up with the mountainous house workload! It would be tough in the beginning especially if you were the captain in caring for your children, you might even try to sneak a short call to ask about the children but you mustn’t.

My discovery is not unique and I am not the only mother who feels like this. What I am going through is just a phase in my journey which will fan out as soon as I start working on it. It may be hard to undo what I had been doing all this while. It will be hard for me to switch off, hard for my kids and harder even for my husband to commit to this new regime. I admit I am a sucker and would feel bad that I am about to be robbing time away from him with his hectic work schedule but a small amount of time for self-reflection, goes a long way.